im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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