I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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