I'm lost and stupid without you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
