First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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