I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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