my phone needs a breathalizer
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Randomize
