My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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