hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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