so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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