Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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