Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
