Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
