I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
