the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it glows. i had to have it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
