I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
