Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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