Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
