just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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