Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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