yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You've changed since you got that strap on
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My life is pants optional.
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