sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize