Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
