just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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