Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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