I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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