ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
