i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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