Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
