Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
