so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
