You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
