Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
