im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
