Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
