The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
