well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
