I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When did angry sex become our thing?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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