woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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