either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
