I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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