a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
