You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
