I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
