Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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