I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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