Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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