I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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