someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize