Kiss
Puke
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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