i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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