it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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