I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
