Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
not ubering you a puppy
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
